With apologies to those who already saw this in GTL.
This is for Dan, hope he likes my kind of novel. Not exactly suspense, but maybe amusing.
When the call came through to get our butts down to Pembrey for a race, we checked the weather forecast and were amazed to see that we would not require a snorkel for the car or ourselves. Arnold checked the garage and found an old Daimler with a stonking great V8 engine that he wanted to try.
So, we loaded the comfy Daimler armchair onto the Trabant's roof rack and set off down the M4. All went well until we crossed the Severn and came to the toll booths. Everyone looked at everyone else as we queued and realised that we had to pay the toll!!! Mabel, who was sitting in the front passenger seat announced that she would get us through using her feminine charm...... I had certain reservations and Arnold did not look convinced, but as we had no money, we let her carry on.
In hindsight, I can probably see why the paramedics were called for the poor young guy in the toll booth.
I have grown accustomed to Mabel and her actions over the years, but that poor chap was seeing her for the first ( and he probably hopes, the last time) . As we drew level with the toll booth Mabel threw her 18 stone self across to the drivers window and through bright red puckered lips suggested to the spotty 19 year old that if he was to let us through she would "personally escort him to heaven on a wave of erotic pleasure".
I have never such a look of pure terror or seen blood drain from someone's face as quickly as that in my life, and then he vanished from view as he fell back as if he had been hit about the head with a pick axe handle...twice!.
I guess that Mabel was right in that she did get us through without paying, because the ensuing chaos as security and staff rushed to the aid of the poor lad, and the vehicles behind us attempting to switch lanes to avoid the hold up who collided with other drivers intent on not allowing them to barge into their lane, certainly covered our escape very nicely. No-one noticed a severely overloaded Trabant with a Daimler in tow smoking away from the toll booths in the mayhem.
Arnold nailed the gas and we were up to 40 MPH before we reached Newport. Onwards to Swansea and other Welsh sounding towns before we screeched to a halt at Pembrey race control. Well, we stopped in the Trabant.....the Daimler did not, so we were actually stationary for only 1.5 secs, before being accelerated again through the pit complex and out onto the circuit.
The response from the GT guys who were in a full qualifying session was I thought a little excessive, and it was Mabel who saved the day again when several drivers surrounded a hapless Arnold and threatened to remove certain dangly bits from his person with the aid of the wheel wrenches. Mabel threw herself at the group of drivers like an oversized bowling ball and effectively halved the number of participants in the GT category, but gave the St John's Ambulance volunteers the busiest day of their lives.
Arnold and Mabel decided that they should keep a low profile from then on and skulked around the back of our garage and out of sight for the rest of the event.
Practice went well and although the Daimler reclining chair was squidgy and top heavy, it did indeed have some serious grunt under the bonnet which could be put to good effect on the long straight. Braking was the achilles heel and just 5 mtrs too late on the anchors would result in some heavy grass cutting or lots of burning rubber....or usually both.
Qualifying started and I was trailing around after a quick Lotus Cortina, more interested to see where he was quicker and where I might have the advantage. Without realising how quickly I was going, I posted a 1:05 sec lap which was a PB in that big tank and claimed a front row slot.
Ok this was going to be tricky.... because it was obvious that my extra power only worked for me on the straight and we had some twiddly bits to get around first. If I could get into the lead I might be able to "defend" Roll Eyes my position and preserve my tyres......good plan.
However, Mabel could not contain her enthusiasm as the start procedure got underway and her 100 decibel scream of "GOOOOOOOOOOO!" when the countdown still had a second to go scared me so much that my foot slipped off the clutch and the car leapt forward as I fell into the back seat!!
Jump Start??? it was more like a frightened rabbit escaping!!
So I knew that I would have to do a SnG in pit lane for my transgressions, and by the time I had climbed back into the driving seat we were on the main straight. I can now confirm that it is not possible to enter the pits at Pembrey at speeds in excess of 80mph and retain all 4 wheels on your car! I offer this valuable info freely and hope that my sacrifice helps others avoid such a situation in future.
The only bright side was that Arnold , Mabel and myself were able to sneak away from the track early and avoid any further awkward confrontations.
As we passed the toll booths again on the M4 ( fortunately there are no tolls to pay travelling East Wink ) repairs were well under way and many of the accidents caused by cars changing lanes after Mabels antics had been cleared, so that the resulting tailback had shrunk to only 12 miles long.
I am seriously considering leaving Mabel behind at HQ for the next event.
This essay has spurred me on to create a whole novel around these characters, and is in first draft format ATM. This writing lark is very tricky. I frequently drop my pencil when I have to change gear and steer during races.
