Well, what a race!!
I finally gave in and tried the Cooper, as my pit crew ( the ever present Mr amd Mrs Glutbucket ) refused to set up a Honda that would not melt tyres at sub 1:28 pace.
So we dragged a second hand Cooper into our garden shed and set about converting it to our needs.
Mrs Glutbucket is a large woman and absolutely useless at mekaniking, but she is quite useful as a work bench. The Cooper will sit nicely upon her rather large abdomen without damaging anything delicate ( on the car, not Mrs Glutbucket!).
As a team ...I use that phrase as a loose description of my association with the glutbuckets.....we had never played with the Cooper in anger before, but it does seem to be popular amongst the massed ranks of sub-alien drivers. So late on Friday evening testing began under cover of darkness, after all, if you have to look at Mrs Agnes Glutbucket's red and puffy face and listen to her wheezing whilst the car is balanced upon her, it is as well to be in the dark.
Initial setups and runs proved less than succesful with times similar to the Honda and only marginally less tyre heat. However when I promised Arnold G with a weekend away with Agnes if he found a solution and a whole week if he didn't, things began to improve.
Radical changes to gearing and some deft tweaks to roll bar settings, (caused by the entangling of Agnes's girdle whilst lowering the car to the tarmac) along with a whole different approach to driving compared with the Honda ( I tried removing the blindfold!!) showed that maybe this Cooper could be made to handle.
By Sunday pm we were getting low 1:25's and some control over tyre temps, if we filled them not with compressed air, but Arnold's deoderant spray.( eau d'ear ).
Practice loomed and the Cooper was wheeled nervously out of the pits, this foray into unknown territory could be a disaster.
One quickish lap in practice put me 2nd on the grid for a while, but the usual suspects edged me down to 6th before the start. As I did not wish to have to do any defensive driving in a strange car that was not so bad, as those in front were the drivers I needed to pace myself against. Except for Hristo who had alomost succumbed to my sneaky psychological ploy in the forum and fallen into the trap of taking a fast car with looong pit stop, but not quite foolish enough to take the Lotus.
Got off the grid and held my place into T1 watching out for sneaky moves up my inside!!
Kruger and Brendan got into a spot of avoidance mode on the approach to T3 and Brendan was good enough to allow me to move up a place. Now I was sandwiched between two Cooper specialists..hmmmm ....so I tried to concentrate on maintaining a safe 1 sec gap to Kruger in front until tyres and deoderant warmed up and fuel and weight came down.
Brendan held station about 1 sec behind and was a constant threat in my mirrors until he had a moment somewhere and dropped back to a more respectable 3-4 secs
.
I had expected Kruger to pull away slowly but instead I found that the spray nozzle that Agnes had fitted into the nose of the Cooper ( you can just see the tube, in still shots of my Cooper tucked into the air intake) was indeed very effective at close quarters when I could spray some of her moisturising cream onto Krugers rear tyres. The regular little slips sideways allowed me to close very slowly but not enough to risk a pass. I still had visions of large tank like Lotus cars being exceptionally slow through some of the corners
.
I decided to visit the Gluts in the pits and top up with deoderant and moisturiser before I missed the window of opportunity.
The sight of Agnes without her usual layer of make-up caused me to leave the pits in blind panic, inadvertantly spilling some of the spray onto my own tyres with the result that they went red with embarrasment.
I was forced to moderate my speed and survive a couple of squeaky, buttock clenching moments for the next few laps such that when Kruger completed his stop he was almost the whole straight in front.
But the Glutbucket's had an ace up their sleeves, they had been moonlighting for BRM just to earn some money ( is the glory and kudos of working for me not enough?? ungrateful wretches!!) and had got Ken's mount in front of Kruger.
In front and just slow enough for me to catch them. Then blow me!! if when I catch them Kruger does the honourable thing and dives out of the way so that I can slip in behind Ken.
I was just planning my pass on Ken ( oh! yes I was ...oh! no you weren't...oh yes I was!!!) at Tarzan when my concentration strayed and I put a wheel on the sandy stuff entering the straight...instant Rallycross!!!! as Kruger cruised past...drat!!!
Set off after the pair of them and now had a recovering Brendan in my tracks along with a Honda behind him. Gradually got the tyre temps back to normal and then spun!!..... Brendan through!
Caught Brendan in a lap or so and did a bit of evil staring in his mirrors as we approached Tarzan.. a quick squirt from the nose cone and he was up the bank heehee. after Kruger again but he and Ken were way in front but the gap was closing again . Until Kruger parked and got out his deck chair on the sand for a snack and waved me past. Only 4 laps to go and Ken was in sight...2 laps to go and I was closing very quickly.
Dilemma time..do I settle for a safe 3rd...or is 2nd there for the taking muhahahaha.
1 lap to go and I am right on Ken's tail into Tarzan, maybe into T3 or out of T3 up the hill...where he wont expect it but where the BRM might not be so nimble. Instead, Ken sees sense and, rather than risk the Loyne's treatment, chickens out and pulls over to allow me through...probably very wise I thought, well I would wouldn't I?
At which point I realise I am 2nd!!! and with Hristo in 1st spot, proving that he is still too ruddy quick to be even remotely human.
Big grats to Hristo for having the nerve to take a fast chassis and endure an enormous pitstop, next time perhaps Lorenzo will join you in the the Lotus?
Thanks to Kruger and Brendan for being the target and the threat at different parts of the race and to Ken for actually believing what was written on a pit board held out be the Glutbuckets!!!!
evil
