Some bedtime reading for Hristo.
Sodueagara, set in the fabled land of the Wazas beckoned, and HER battle weary warriors returned from their crusade to rid the world of "green things" to battle on home soil. Unfortunately, the elite ( their description, not mine!!) pit crew of Mabel and Arnold Glutbucket decided to travel with them, which perhaps was not wise.
The journey to Sodding guera ( as Arnold insisted on calling it ) was not without problems, as the Glutbuckets had crossed out the booking for this race and written in "weekend off in Tokyo!!" Which meant that preparations for the journey were overlooked and the shipping date for the cars was missed.
As it was considered the fault of the Glutbuckets, it was left to them to get the team to the race on time. They fell back upon Mabel's underwear, (which is big enough to provide a soft landing in any situation) and by imaginative use of a corset and a pair of her size18 shoes constructed a catamaran/car transporter. Two of Mabel's dresses provided enough sail cloth to propel the craft at enormous speed and Arnold's truss was surgically removed from his overweight body and used to operate a rudder. The cars were loaded and by feeding Mabel with copious quantities of baked beans and chillies, we were soon on our way with a good following wind!
Landfall in Japan, was not so much landfall and landhit!. We arrived in the middle of the night without lights and navigation aids. We had no idea of exactly where we were, only that Japan was somewhere in front. Arnold had boasted that he had served in the Navy and would take us straight to Japan "no worries boys". When he used the word "served" we now suspect that it was more in terms of a waiter at the captain's table, rather than in any really helpful role!!
We just did not know how far it was to Japan...nor, due to the extreme efficiency of Mabels huge sails, how close. But, that question was abrubtly answered at around 2 a.m. when the boat hit a beach, and the whole crew were ejected from peaceful slumber to the sound of lapping waves against the hull and hurled from their makeshift hammocks and beds. They landed on the beach, promptly had sand for breakfast, and were horrified to see the cars soaring over them towards some rocks.
Arnold, was heard to cry "Land Ahoy!!" several seconds after everyone landed on the beach, but any further information from that source was closed off as Hristo's hands clasped him warmly by the throat, presumably in a warmhearted show of gratitude.
As luck would have it, Mabel had been doing her Titanic impression on the bow of the boat when we struck the beach and she had her eyes closed and really did feel like she was flying....because she was! for a few glorious seconds!! We were even more fortunate when Mabel recovered from her landing spot just in front of the rocks and stood up, just in time to provide a soft landing for both cars. Japan as a whole was indeed fortunate that she did not land in the water, because a tsunami would have caused more devastation than the minor earth tremor that was felt locally.
By dawn the ever inventive pit crew had "borrowed" a cart but no horse, so Mabel was harnessed and we set off for the forest and the track.
Lack of preparation and practice meant that at least one of the cars (ok it was mine!!) was below the pace that SHE expected and it was not until the latter stages of qualification that both cars managed to squeeze into the top 4 grid places.
Hristo was on pole and the journey to the track and breakfast on the beach seemed to have inspired him with a stunning time.
The next few rows of the grid were very close on time and the race looked like it was going to be intense. Qualification had shown that managing tyre temps was going to be crucial to survival, or so most of the drivers thought.
Arnold had decided to try and repair his somewhat tarnished image by "arranging" a favourable result for the Wazas!! in his own devious and suspect way.
In order to make my car more competitive he decided that it should be lighter, so he removed several gallons of fuel!! Something that I would discover much later in the race. Hristo's car was also subject to his attentions. The waza boffins had been experimenting with a "cloaking device" to allow us to creep up on competitors unnoticed, but there were several flaws with this device and it can hardly be considered the "finished" item. It also added weight to Hristo's car, something that Arnold had chosen to ignore in his enthusiasm, which made him vulnerable on the early laps and he found himself several places down.
Cunning teamwork on track by the Wazas, allowed Hristo to climb back to the front of the field and begin to challenge for the lead, as my car was handily placed in 4th spot and hounding Tom for 3rd. Tom went wide and now the Wazas were almost in the correct positions ...2nd and 3rd.
It was then that Arnold's handiwork started to unravel as he operated the remote cloaking control button from the pitwall!!
Hristo who was about to pounce for the lead spot, found himself, not only cloaked, but transported to the pits!! The resultant ripple in the space / time fabric also affected several other cars over the next few laps. Drivers of various teams were finding themselves removed from the track and deposited in various European countries without any warning or passport checking. Some have been imprisoned for illegal border crossing, but UKGPL is negotiating for their release before the next race.
That left my car in 2nd spot and Tim several seconds ahead and in a clear lead.
The pit board said "push!" which seemed odd, because after the breakfast of sand and seaweed I was certainly not constipated. So instead I concentrated on upping my pace and slowly ( very slowly) the gap was closing. with about 15 laps to go I was almost within slipstream range of Tim and mightbe able to give him some hassle, when I happened to glance at my fuel level................WTF!!!!!
Arnold's handiwork again!
At this pace there was no chance of completing the race, so I started to short shift and try and conserve fuel. Tom was closing from behind and presented a real threat and Bob was fortunately quite a distance back.
As the laps counted down it became apparent that the fuel thing was serious, and Tom was going to catch me if he maintained his current pace. Tim pulled away and barring a mistake was home and dry.
With 6 laps to go things were desperate, 1.6 gallons was NEVER going to be enough!! But despite slowing by 2-3 secs a lap Tom was not closing and I correctly guessed that Arnold and Mabel had been busy "equalising the opposition" and he too was low on fuel.
With 2 laps to go the fuel pressure was dropping as I crossed the line and I had less than half a gallon...this was looking bad!! just wait until I see Arnold!!!
Half way around that lap the engine started to cough, so i left it in 4th gear wherever possible and cruised. Still no Tom in my mirrors. as I crossed the line with 1 lap to go the fuel guage said 0.1 gallons. !! The engine coughed and spluttered but kept going and at the exit of the hairpin really hesitated as the fuel guage said ZERO!!! This will never get up the hill to the finish...but it did and went dead just a few metres over the line!!
I walked calmly back to the pits and found Arnold. The doctors say that he will pass the gearstick through his digestive system in due course, but that the steering wheel might require surgical intervention.
